PEOPLE CONNECTIONS, PART 3: CHOOSING FORGIVENESS

Isaiah 59:1-3, 43:25; Psalms 130:3-4 (NASB)
David Bruce Linn, Pastor-Teacher
17 April, 2005
All Rights Reserved

In the book Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen the two main characters play out a lengthy and distant relational drama. Handsome, high-born Mr. D'Arcy falls dreadfully in love with a beautiful and well-spoken commoner, Elisabeth Bennett. They find themselves in social situations from time to time. Each time it is the same. He stands apart from her, looks over periodically, and always looks distressed. Each time he walks over to attempt to speak with Elisabeth, but always says something "off-putting." She finds him detestable and says so to her sisters.

About halfway through the story Mr. D'Arcy, who is fabulously rich and lives in a palatial mansion, pays a private visit to Elisabeth. He hemms and haws for a while, and finally blurts out a marriage proposal. Although he is in love with her, he hates himself for it and feels he is lowering himself: "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you...[But] any alliance between us must be regarded as a highly reprehensible connection." Somehow, Elisabeth does not feel wooed by this approach, and replies: "I have never desired your good opinion!" She goes on to say that nothing he could ever say would induce her to marry him. In the process she blasts him--mistakenly--for supposedly ruining a certain Major Wickham, who has actually ruined himself.

How in the world could these two ever get together? Have you participated in verbal slap fests? They are often the reason for a complete breakdown in people connections. Many of us experience such breakdowns and never fix them, leaving us with a shrinking number of people with whom we are on good terms. We all know that the only hope for reconciliation would be radical acts of asking and giving forgiveness, which usually seems quite impossible. It's just too painful and humiliating.

Forgiveness is the indispensable key to strong people connections in a fallen world. No matter how much we love each other we will always offend and harm each other. Without forgiveness our people connections would be broken without repair.

1. THE UNIVERSAL NEED FOR FORGIVENESS

Isaiah the prophet was given many prophetic words explaining our spiritual condition, its consequences, and what can be done about it. He wrote: "For your hands are defiled with blood /And your fingers with iniquity; /Your lips have spoken falsehood, /Your tongue mutters wickedness" (Isaiah 59:3). This is the sort of verse that people say keeps them out of church and makes them reject the Bible. It is painful to confront such statements, but let's think about Isaiah's points.

"Hands defiled with blood" is a reference to hatred in all its forms, including harsh words, abuse of any kind, in fact, anything done purposefully to harm another. Have you never done that? "Fingers defiled with iniquity" refers to any freely chosen sin done to please ourselves. Fudging on tax returns, stealing from a motel room, periodic dips into porno and lustful romance novels, fighting over Aunt Sally's last will and testament, driving eighty miles-per-hour in a fifty-five zone--make your own list.

"Lips speaking falsehood" refers to any misrepresentation, spinning of the truth, or any lying words spoken to achieve selfish ends. I think God is not pleased when Christian ministries spin their annual reports in order to look good. Finally, "tongues muttering wickedness" refers to virtually any bad stuff coming out of our mouths. We like to say "Those are just words!" as our excuse, but Jesus said "The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart" (Luke 6:45). Our words reveal our inward spiritual condition. If you do not feel spiritually convicted by these four things you are in denial.

The consequence of the universal human condition of sin is in our text in Isaiah in the previous verse: "But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, /And your sins have hidden /His face from you so that He does not hear" (Isaiah 59:2). Physical death is the separation of our consciousness from the body, and spiritual death is the separation of our consciousness from God. It is a sad fact that disconnection from our Lord seems normal to the lost soul. We are all born spiritually dysfunctional. Nothing good can come from attempting to "be spiritual" without confronting our sin and the wall it creates between us and God.

Fortunately, Isaiah began this passage with a word of hope: "Behold, the LORD'S hand is not so short /That it cannot save; /Nor is His ear so dull /That it cannot hear" (Isaiah 59:1). Don't worry! God is able to rescue us from this condition. Both Miss Bennett's desire to rip Mr. D'Arcy for his pride and his desire to look down on her have a solution which can be found in the death and resurrection of Christ Jesus our Lord. Speaking of those who have confessed their sins and trusted Christ Paul wrote: "For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins" (Colossians 1:13-14). Our broken connection with God is repaired by our forgiveness in Christ. In the same way our damaged connections to other people can only be repaired by forgiveness.

2. WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT

I am indebted to Ken Sande and his marvelous book, The Peacemaker, for refining our understanding of Biblical forgiveness. If forgiveness is the key to people connections, we had better know what it is and what it is not.

First of all, forgiveness is not a feeling. This trips up many people because they withhold needed forgiveness until they feel like it. Well, what if you never feel like it? Also, going by feelings often confuses forgiveness and reconciliation. I've seen people attempt to reconcile without forgiving. They may get back together and may feel better but they will never resolve the wall between them without genuine forgiveness. There is a saying: "Time heals all wounds." Nothing could be further from the truth. Unforgiveness can last a lifetime and even be passed to succeeding generations.

Secondly, forgiveness is not mere forgetting. We cannot just forget things which have harmed us so we turn to alcohol, drugs, and other forms of addiction to dull the pain. It does not work. Thirdly, forgiveness does not mean excusing a wrong done to us or which we did to another. Excusing implies that the wrong was not actually a wrong. Really? Then why is there such a snit about it? Often people feel that they cannot forgive someone for a wrong done to them because that would be excusing a genuine wrong which was committed. Excusing simply does not work. That's why Christ had to die to pay for our sins.

Time and again I have seen believers trapped by these false ideas about forgiveness. They are waiting to feel like forgiving or to forget about the whole thing. They withhold forgiveness because they do not want to excuse a wrong that was done. And the result is that they become trapped in unforgiveness. What happens to people who are trapped in unforgiveness? It ministers death to their souls. There is a saying: "Unforgiveness is the poison we drink hoping others will die."

3. FORGIVENESS IS A DECISION

When we pray the Lord's Prayer, we say: "And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matthew 6:12). The Greek word for forgiveness used there (aphiemi) means to let go, release, or remit. It is often used to mean the canceling of a monetary debt. Paul used a different Greek word when he wrote to the Ephesians: "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:32). This term for forgiveness (charizomai) means to bestow favor freely or unconditionally. Forgiveness is a total, permanent canceling of debt and it is a gift we give expecting nothing in return. Nothing is more obvious than that both of these terms place forgiveness squarely in the realm of decision. God puts it on our plate, and no amount of squirming can knock it off.

Sin creates separation between us and God, and breaks down our people connections. Forgiveness provides the pathway to the repair of those relationships. But exactly how does forgiveness achieve this? God explains what he does when he forgives us in Isaiah 43:25: "I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, /And I will not remember your sins." And again in Psalm 130:3-4: "If You, LORD, should mark [keep a list of] iniquities, /O Lord, who could stand? /But there is forgiveness with You, /That You may be feared." God makes a choice not to remember believers' sins and he does not make a list of them to hold our feet to the fire.

We all know that God does not forget anything. He is all-knowing! But he chooses to "forget" our sins when they are forgiven in Christ. Neither can we merely forget about sins done against us. What God does is make a set of enduring decisions which we also must learn to do by faith in order to walk in forgiveness. What are those decisions? Ken Sande describes them in The Peacemaker:

The first is: "I will not dwell on this incident." This is a decision to take every thought captive for the sake of Christ. Do you think Christ is glorified when we dwell on our slights, insults, and injuries? He gave his life to present us with the universal cure for human problems through the atonement, and we spend our time fuming and spitting. What should we think about instead? "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things" (Philippians 4:8). This is not a silly version of Pollyanna or Voltaire. What we do with our minds is a matter of deadly earnest. Remember: "Unforgiveness is the poison we drink hoping others will die." When we choose to dwell on our slights and injuries we poison ourselves and do nothing to help the broken people connection we have with others.

The second enduring decision we must make by faith in order to practice Biblical forgiveness is: "I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you." Ken Sande relates the story of a woman who said: "Every time we get into a fight my husband gets historical." Not hysterical--historical. In other words, every time they fought he began reviewing her alleged transgressions of the past, even those which had been dealt with. This is the very thing God said he would not do to believers. He does not keep a list of our failings to trot out to harm us. That is the work of the devil, not the Lord. We must ensure that those whom we have forgiven never hear about that failure from us again.

The third enduring faith decision which describes Biblical forgiveness is: "I will not talk to others about this incident." That would be gossip. Gossip poisons. Somehow it seems easier to talk about people with whom we are having problems rather than talking to them. It makes us feel better. There are moments to involve another person in the attempt to mediate a dispute, but take care! Gossipers go to hell. Churches, workplaces, families, and networks of friends become polluted when we talk "out of school" about one another. Calling it cattiness does not reduce the damage it does: broken people connections, sorrow, and pain.

The fourth enduring faith decision necessary for Biblical forgiveness is: "I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship." This is one of the hardest! I cannot tell you how many times people have said to me: "I've forgiven that person but I refuse to be around them." Then you have not forgiven them. Let's not lie to the Father. He killed his only Son to restore our relationship to him and our people connections with one another. What we're really saying when we refuse to reconcile is that it may have been okay for God to do that for us, but it is too costly for us to do for someone else. It may be humbling and personally costly, but true forgiveness reestablishes good relationships.

Ken Sande's wife, Corlette, summarized these four promises in teaching them to children:

Good thought,

Hurt you not,

Gossip never,

Friends forever. (The Peacemaker, 3rd ed., p. 209)

CONCLUSION

Forgiveness is a decision which must indeed be chosen, but it is not the bare choice which gives it power. That comes from the Lord. But let us not speak any ungodly foolishness such as: "I cannot forgive that person." If God has done it for you and commanded you to do the same, you can and must forgive.

Elisabeth Bennett and Mr. D'Arcy have not a chance of a relationship if they do not repent of their harsh words and actions toward one another. Do you have damaged and broken people connections? I do not say that making the enduring faith decisions of forgiveness will repair every one, but it is indeed the only repair that can work. There is no other option. The alternative is to accept the mutual poisonings.

I invite you to allow Christ to break your heart and then to repent of unforgiveness in your life. If you have never repented of your sins in general then do it now. Forgiveness, the complete canceling of your debt of sin, can be yours. Can you think of any valid reason why you would not want to be free of sin and death? I cannot.

In our next study we will deal with the as yet unanswered questions: How can I move into genuine heart forgiveness? and When do I offer forgiveness to others?

[A&E/BBC production, disc 1, 2:28:03, beg. of ch. 18]